How to help the child and parents to survive the crisis 3 years?

Kid 2.5-3 years:

- Mom , give me a machine !

Mom gives the words :

- Take it , son.

The kid is angry:

- I do not want a machine !

Mom picks up a toy. Kid angrily :

- Give me a machine ! A- ah-ah !

And so on the rise …

You know your child ? So , you in the midst of the so-called “crisis of three years.”

The crisis may begin as early as 2.5 years.

What happens to the child at this age ? What is the true reason for his “terrible ” behavior ? How to behave parents to go through with minimal losses during this period , and to minimize its duration ?

What happens to the child ?

If you drive a car, then surely you remember how you drove it the first time. Very carefully , internally huddled in fear, as if not to miss any traffic sign, not to hook the curb , and do not forget to include a turn signal .

But then came the happy moment when you feel that the car you unquestioningly obey your actions have achieved automaticity , you have complete control over the situation , and , best of all, you have to enjoy driving .

Since then, the majority of motorists drive recklessly starting a car, enjoying this indescribable feeling of confidence in their abilities.

But … before the first accident (or , worse, crash) .

And the more critical situations arise on the road , the faster a motorist comes to thinking about the need to look at ourselves through the eyes of other road users. And, accordingly, changing his style of driving.

Why am I telling you all this ? To help you better understand what happens to a child under 3 years of age. Yes exactly the same!

The first three years of a child physically and mentally dependent on his mother, he will not let her on a step , going through a difficult separation. During this period the baby absorbs like a sponge , a huge amount of information. It collects , collects , collects …

Time passes , the baby becomes more physically developed (already skillfully and confidently control his body ) and mentally (his brain reaches a certain stage of development).

The child , exploring space , sees the results of its operations , is delighted by the realization that can affect the world around us (if to kick a ball, then it starts to roll , if long whine , it will give you what you ask .)

Kid explores the properties not only of inanimate objects , but also the behavior of the people around him . It emulates an adult, use their language, ” tries ” on different roles , begins to play in role-playing games . Shows interest to peers, begins to interact with children , playing in cooperative games with them.

His self-confidence reaches a universal scale , “Hurrah ! I myself know how it is ! I did it I can not! I’m more like mom and dad ! “. The child becomes aware of themselves as a separate independent person .

And … begins to ” recklessly drive a car.” Unaware of the danger, and not understanding why he constantly pulls something forbidden , educate, decide everything for him.

Any crisis – it is an internal contradiction between “want” and ” can not.”

That is , on the one hand, many do not meet the wishes of the child to his abilities (internal conflict) , and on the other hand, he is faced with the constant care of adults ( external conflict ) .

And what to do in such a situation? Resist or accept. There is no alternative .

Here’s baby and resists, as you can!

In psychology, there is a whole list of indicators of “crisis three years,” the so-called Pleiades ( self-will , stubbornness, negativism, stubbornness , protest , riot , a symptom of depreciation , despotism ) .

But it’s all due to one cause, succinctly describing the child’s behavior during the crisis period of three years:

The kid committed itself to make decisions !

Once again . It seeks not only to do something on their own, but also to decide to do it or not.

Let me explain in more detail at this point every sign ” Pleiades “. Thus,


The child wants to do everything himself , even if he can not .

I understand that it is more convenient to do something for the child , because it’s faster . But this you deprive him of the joy of the process .

Look at his happy little eyes , and see the pride of knowing the fact of its independence !

What to do? Allow your child to try to do everything yourself , even if you know it’s too much for him . Experience – the son of hard errors .

But if something happened crumbs , be sure to praise him, to explain what he did well , and emphasize what he has become a big and independent . Such recognition success raises self-esteem, gives confidence in the forces.


When a child is stubborn , he insists on something , not because he wants it badly , but because he demanded : “I am so decided ! “.

For example , the kid asks for the ball. But the ball is not, and mother offers him a replacement, for example, his favorite book . The kid realizes that the book is much more interesting than the ball . But still insists, “Give the ball ! “. Why ? Because it’s mom suggested a book , and not himself so decided .

What to do? Just wait for a few minutes. Mature kid himself , and he will make a decision – ask for a book. Strange but true !

Negativism and obstinacy

The child acting against not only parents, but sometimes even their own accord . The kid refuses to comply with requests , not because he did not want to, but only because it asked to do so .

For example , my mother has to go for a walk. Toddler who loves to walk , for some reason says : “Do not go ! “. Why ? Because it’s mom suggested to go for a walk, and not himself so decided !

What to do? Try instead the affirmative forms of ” Let’s go for a walk! ” Just ask the kid about his desire : ” Honey, we ‘ll go for a walk ? ‘.

In some situations, you can use a little stratagem . For example , instead of asking , “Are you going to eat? ” Ask a question containing multiple options to choose from , but that can not say no , ” You’re going to eat buckwheat or rice ? “.

And it’s really a last resort , you can offer your child to do the opposite, with the expectation that the kid out of a sense of negativity will do what is necessary. For example , say ” Walked out this will not come up ,” then the kid will insist on a walk . But often resort to this method, I do not advise , because it is cheating .

More often saves me the phrase ” Let’s together” . For example , the son says, ” I will not wash ! “. I say, ” Come together will wash ! “. Oh, and then my job to make sure that it was interesting to wash. For example, read the poem ” Vodicka , Vodicka , wash my face … ” or wash our bear.

The protest – riot

The protest – riot child – a response to pressure from the parents, and their desire to solve everything for the baby (” Do not Cry “, ” Do not break ,” ” Sit down at the table ,” ” Put slippers ! “).

Turbulent energy child must find a way out in the form of activities. And if you hold it , it results in the form of emotions ( anger, tantrums ) .

Any person (a child, and even more so) is very hard for a long time in the nervous tension, and if the discharge does not occur in the form of emotion or any kind of activity, then there is stress and , consequently , reduced immunity.

The child , whose activities are constantly restrain parents , considering his behavior wrong, will find other ways to release pent-up tension. For example, in the form of aggression or self-abuse .

What to do? If a kid comes in hysterics , quietly wait out of her , and then explain how the “right” to behave and why.

Explain anything during a tantrum is useless. So is the nature of the human psyche . During the manifestation of human emotions is difficult to concentrate on what he is told (it is the dominant principle – the point of excitation in the brain suppresses all others) .

symptom depreciation

Changing the child’s relationship to your favorite things and toys ( he can throw them , break ) and to people ( or the kid can hit my mother had called rude words ) .

This is the next stage of the research activities of the child ( not to be confused with aggression ) .

Then he realizes what his behavior can be frustrating to others. And yet … As long as he imitates an adult, it is interesting to watch their reaction (and what would happen if … ) .

What to do? Direct the energy of a child in a peaceful way .

For example, if a baby refuses to dress for a walk , then ask them to dress a doll or teddy bear , that he will play the role of an adult. In the end, the child agrees to dress himself , too .


The kid learns to control the world around them , trying to force parents to do what he wants.

It should be understood that the desire for leadership, the desire to ” win a place in the sun” – is a good character trait that allows a person to be the master of life, not weak-willed sheep , driven by other people.

What to do? Give in to your child in the ” little things .” But in regard to the health and safety of the child and other people – be adamant ( without exception ) . Allows kids to make mistakes , because now the child learns only by doing. He is still difficult to explain and understand your morals , or rather he understands them in their own way .

It will make a slight digression . To explain a little ,

How is the understanding and awareness of the meaning of words ?

When we hear a new word for us , we still do not understand its meaning. But remember information about it, can not even said out of context to create some idea about the subject.

The next time , when we hear the same word in a new context , our understanding of the subject a little refined.

And so on, information about the subject gradually builds up and gradually formed a clear idea about it , there are connections between different concepts (if you do it , you get it ) .

So , from private to general forms of human experience .

The child does not yet have the life experience , his understanding of things and events is not common , but specific .

Oh, well , I hope, an overview of the crisis three years , and that happens to a child, you have formed ?

Now is the time to draw practical conclusions , namely , how to behave parents to shorten the duration of the crisis.

Parents how to behave in order to reduce the duration of the crisis three years?

Let’s go back to the analogy of a motorist who I cited at the outset.

The more critical situations arise on the road , the faster a motorist comes to thinking about the need to look at ourselves through the eyes of other road users. And, accordingly, changing his style of driving.

The more the child will have experience of independent actions and decision-making , the more progress , and ( alas) he will make mistakes , the quicker will be the crisis , the faster he will learn to interact with people .

Understand the child eventually take its toll ( nature can not be fooled .) Everything that he did not get in due time , he will endeavor to make up later in life . In your power in time to feel the needs of the child and not to stretch the process for years.

So , to sum up the above, formulate basic principles of conduct parent who wants to speed up the flow of the crisis three years without trauma for the child.

To a child , articulate their requests are not in the form of ( “Go eat” ), as well as a question (” Are you going to eat ? “, ” You’re going to eat now or later? “, ” You’re going to eat rice or buckwheat porridge ? ” depending on the answer that you expect to hear ) .

Behave with the child as an equal. Ask for permission to take his toy , be sure to say ” Thank you ” if you had a crumb service. So not only do you avoid the negativity and obstinacy on his part , but also submit your kid is a good example to follow.

Direct the energy of a child in a peaceful way , that is, proposes to replace the undesirable actions kid (because you can not do as well as you can) , use the game to smooth the crisis moments .

Give in to your child in the ” little things “, as extend it right , let him make mistakes , do not interfere in the affairs of children , if the kid does not ask . But in regard to his health and safety , as well as the health and safety of others – be adamant – NO, without exception !

If the kid began to resist your offer of a sense of negativity , just wait a few minutes. He needs a little time to yourself to take a decision .

If a child , despite your efforts , became hysterical . Calmly wait out her , and then explain how the “right” to behave and why. But do not expect that the kid will understand you as much as you ‘d like , even if you think you are all very detailed. Most of all, have no time to come back to this conversation in other similar situations.

This is a difficult time , not only for the child but for the parents as it requires radical revision of the relationship to his grown-up kid. And if parenting strategies do not change, the crisis of 3 years will be delayed for months .

From the way you behave with your child during this crisis depends whether to keep your toddler activity, perseverance , will continue to strive for self-sufficiency. Or it will break and will meekly obedient , weak-willed , addicted person with low self-esteem .

Nurture a child is not the comments , but by example. That is, behave with the child as would like it to behave with others, including you. And remember that the crisis three years years this is the first step on the way to the adolescent crisis.

Author Kalmikova Lyudmila , Mom.

Source :

468 ad

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *